Seven Things You Didn't Know About Tom

Chances are you:

- have a myspace
- know someone who has a myspace
- are addicted to myspace
- have heard of myspace
- don't live in a cave somewhere, surviving off of the moss you lick from rocks, dreaming of the days when there were people to talk to and you weren't so very alone.

If you're like most people I know, you reached that day when, either sick of being told your profile was under construction or maybe just annoyed at seeing his face in your list, you declared Tom a douchebag and deleted him from your friends. Not that he's crying over it. At the moment I'm writing this, Tom has 192,225,858 friends, all of whom I'm sure are very near and dear to him. I checked out Tom's page today, something I'm not in the habit of doing, and was slightly surprised at some of the things I found.

1. Tom is a communist. Well, he's interested in learning about filthy commies, anyway. "History of Communism" is listed among his general interests. Now if only he would redistribute some of his wealth.

2. Tom listens to David Bowie. Or at least, he claims to. He could just be trying to look cool. I don't think he is, since Barry Manilow is also listed in his favorite music, and that is definitely not cool.

3. Tom is a Libra. Now you can finally find out if you're compatible with him!

4. Tom's first hero is Nietzsche. Yup. Tom's deep.

5. Tom watches Desperate Housewives. It's the first listed show in his television section. The man apparently has no shame.

6. Tom's sign up date is 09/02/03. Forget what yours was? Check your blog.

7. Tom is only 31 years old and has more money than you'll ever dream of. Oh, wait, I guess you did know that one.

*Something that occured to me after publishing this article-

As I stated before, Tom has 192,225,858 friends. Wikipedia has a nice little list of countries by population. If Tom had his own Myspace country consisting of the people who remained friends with him, it would be number five on the list. Suck on that, Brazil.

Fake Plastic Girl

I was stumbling through the internet the other night when I came upon MorphThing. After getting bored with their selection, I uploaded a picture of a Barbie head. I was so creeped out by how I looked as a Barbie, that I decided to see what some celebrities would look like properly immortalized in plastic.* I will now share these with you.




*I realize that several of these people have been made into dolls before, but I also realize that those dolls are usually really crappy and never resemble the person they are supposed to.

Chain of Fools

After opening another Myspace bulletin claiming that some kid somewhere had some disease and AOL would take two bucks off the poor kid's hospital bill if I reposted it, I began to wonder where the hell these things come from in the first place. I know how they get passed around- the psychologically weak can't resist something that says, "Post now- or you deny Jesus and go to hell!" or worse, "If you don't forward this to 20 friends, you'll never find love and your skin will break out in warts!" But seriously, what sorry son of a bitch is actually starting these things? Who writes out these bogus stories and decides to pass them around and waste the time of billions of people? And where's my harpoon, that I might take them down?

And for those of you who get a fair amount of this bullshit from their friends, I recommend these two sites for correcting them. Snopes is a fantastic resource for urban legend debunkery (and quite a fun read) and Break the Chain is dedicated purely to stopping junk e-mail. There sites will assure you and your ever-forwarding friends that little Timmy is not stuck in the well and Bill Gates doesn't give a damn what e-mails you pass on.



(If you send my blog to ten friends, your true love will call you in ten minutes! If you don't, they'll marry that person you really hated in school and have lots of babies and you'll die alone. Better not risk it.)



CHAIN OF FOOLS

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Goodbye, Fond Childhood Memories.

Hello again, familiar bitter resentment. Tim Hill, director of the second Garfield disgrace, has gotten his filthy hands all over the chipmunks. The full poster can be seen here.

Jason Lee is starring as the trio's "father", David Seville, which is disappointing, since up to this point I had no beef with him. We were on good terms, Jason. Why did you do this? Are you acting out because you know that I often miss "My Name is Earl", but I am always in my seat a half hour later for the start of "The Office"? Is that what this is about? I can understand you being upset, and please believe me when I say that I really like your show, it's just an awkward time for me. I've got things going on at eight o'clock that have to be taken care of. It's not you, it's me. We could've talked about it, Jason. I mean, participating in the bastardization of a childhood classic just because I missed a couple of episodes? Don't you think you've taken this a little far? I think we should break up. I can't stand by you through this. If you need me, I'll be watching The Chipmunk Adventure, which I still have on VHS. Yes, Jason, I still have a VCR, and yes, I suppose I could've been using it to tape episodes of "My Name is Earl". I guess we're both to blame.

Best. Promotion. Ever.

In an attempt to create more hype (if that's even possible) for the upcoming Simpsons Movie, a dozen 7-11's have been revamped to look like Kwik-E-Marts, complete with fictional products from the show, including Krusty-O's, Buzz Cola, Squishees, and the pink frosted donut seen on all the Simpsons Movie promotions. I'm insanely happy about this. I doubt I'll ever get out to see one, unless they expand upon the original twelve and transform a store closer to me, but I've got to find somebody who'll get me a can of Buzz and the Radioactive Man comic. Unfortunately, Duff beer isn't being sold because the movie is PG-13, and for some reason that matters. I think my favorite thing about this whole operation is the signs hanging around in the stores, stating familiar things like "Three for the price of three!" and "A Twizzler is not a sprinkle!"




Man, I want my picture taken next to that Comic Book Guy so bad. The whole country should be humming this to themselves by now:

You know what sucks?

Trying to find legitimate work you can do from home. I'm not ready to get a job out in the real world yet, and couldn't even if I wanted to (car drama). I've scoured the internet trying to find a way to make some money, but all I keep running into is pyramid schemes and surveys where they want me to pay them. I managed to put some of my cartoons on stuff at Cafepress.com, but that's not going to bring me a steady income. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine showed me this HBO special last week and it's quite possibly the funniest thing ever. They're called Flight of the Conchords, they're from New Zealand, and HBO has given them their own series. Also, I'm in love with them.